I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
