I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
