my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
