I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
