are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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