I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
