i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I need to sanitize my soul.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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