She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
