I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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