the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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