So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
