i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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