if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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