Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
