I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
