People with herpes should wear stickers.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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