The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
They took my balls.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
