Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
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I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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