so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
