Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
