Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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