Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You took a bar mat shot.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
