She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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