I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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