I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
