I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
