i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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