Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
