The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I could fuck to npr.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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