now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
