You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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