I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
