so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
