A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
