Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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