hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm like, not good at living.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
