did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
