i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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