TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
