this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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