Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
