Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
