U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
