i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
