batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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