Apparently you make a good broom.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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