There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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