I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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