if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
tequila makes me forget i have legs
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
