How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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