Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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