I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
