And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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