i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
