I can text with my tongue
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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