Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
