i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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