when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
