morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
third nipple confirmed
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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